


grab a jacket, hell gets a little chilly

by izzylerd



Category: Fifth Harmony (Band)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Suicidal Thoughts, slight AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-31
Updated: 2018-05-31
Packaged: 2019-05-16 08:37:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,056
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14807972
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/izzylerd/pseuds/izzylerd
Summary: You don't know how you got to this point, how you let her dig a tunnel right into your brain and rip out your heart to do this.And it's sad, it really is. If you were awake you would've cried with them.You find yourself saying if you were awake a lot more now.





	grab a jacket, hell gets a little chilly

**Author's Note:**

> This used to be one of my USWNT one-shots but I converted it to Camren because I love the story. I wrote it like two years ago though so I apologize if it feels a little rushed. 
> 
> !!!!!SUPER HEAVY SUICIDE/GRAPHIC IMAGE TRIGGER!!!!!

 

 

 

////

 

 

 

You remember everything. Her eyes, her voice, her smile, those five words that ended your world for the third time, running home and getting drunk off your ass.

 

And the crash.

 

God do you remember the crash.

 

Parts of it at least. Whatever you could remember in your wasted state.

 

You remember the split second of silence and stillness of the world, how a single tear rolled down your cheek as everything came crashing down on you. And then glass was digging itself into your skin, metal crashing against metal, blood running down your head and your arms.

 

And you can't help but think it was all worth it. All of the empty bottles that littered your apartment floor before you stumbled into your car for some fresh air. Historically, you were a fine drunk driver. Sure, you might go over the line or speed up a little when you shouldn't, but you've never been drunk enough to the point where it all just tastes like water to you. Your throat was numbed so much but you didn't really care, it was all so worth it.

 

 

 

////

 

You can still hear them all talking to you as you lay still in the hospital bed. Camila was the first one to find out, or you guess she was because she was the first one to show up. She was crying, and hard, so much that she couldn't even talk. She just grabbed your warm, limp hand and held it as she sobbed. You felt a little bad then, you've always hated when she cries, but she destroyed you and you feel like shit for being happy that she's hurting.

 

But she doesn't even care, you know she doesn't. She has a boyfriend, she's in love, she's forgotten about everything you had before. It broke your heart so, so much. You still haven't recovered from it because you love her so much. More than anything in the world and now you're just in pain because you're hurting her.

 

It's so stupid how it's working out. She broke your heart and so you broke hers in return, you were happy about it, but now you're nothing but guilty because of how selfish you are. You hate it, you hate you, you hate her.

 

It's not fair. None of it is fair. Your torn between your decision to be an idiot. You were happy you get to stop fighting so hard to be alive, you're mostly depending on machines now. But you wished you hadn't done it because you want to touch her smooth, tan skin, look into her chocolate brown eyes, hear her raspy voice clearly instead of like you're underwater. It's just not fair.

 

 

 

////

 

 

 

Normani and Alexa find out next, and they know why you did it. They know all about your heartbreak and the struggle to get through every day as you watched Camila turn into a star. And it wasn't fair that they got to fall in love, that Normani gets to be happy with Dinah while you're stuck in a black hole.

 

You tried so hard to get out, so hard, but it was never enough. You were never enough. Not for her or yourself. All the blame seems to come back to you, it's all your fault. It's your fault for falling in love, it's your fault for working so hard to be in the band and meeting her, it's your fault for not getting out of that damn hole.

 

You know you shouldn't be blaming yourself, especially in your current situation. But it's all you can really do as you stare into nothing but white light.

 

At first, you thought you were actually dead, that you actually sped up enough and flew out the window. Or that your body bled out, something like that. But then you started hearing the machines and the monitors and your friends. You were kind of disappointed to still be alive. And that's probably not a good thing, not wanting to be alive, but it's all done now. It's over, all that's left to do it wait.

 

 

 

////

 

 

 

You don't know how late or early it is, but Dinah and Camila's voices grab your attention one day.

 

"You should've done something", Camila whispers and you're dumbfounded.

 _"What?"_  Dinah sounds taken aback too.

"You should've done something when she left the party. Someone should have gone after her, kept her from doing this"

"I'm sorry, you're blaming this on _us_?"

"You could've done something!"

Dinah laughs coldly, and you know you would have too if you were awake, "I can't believe you. You expect _us_ to go after her from something that _you_ did? You're fucking unbelievable Camila. This is your fault! You disregarded her and her feelings for two years and now she's depending on machines to keep her alive! What were you thinking? You said you loved her, you said you cared for her and wanted her more than anything. But no, you left her and she's been struggling to get through everyday. And then you decide to get a stupid ass boyfriend who can't even compare to Lauren after ignoring her feelings for two years! _Two. Years._ Camila. This was your problem to fix with her and you ignored it, and now it's worse. Don't you dare blame this on us. She loves you Camila, and you took her for granted"

You think that if you were awake, you would have cried.

 

 

 

////

 

 

 

You think you hear the doctors talking with Camila one day about telling the public, and you guess it's only been a couple days. Your entire team and the band would have found out somehow, it doesn't take an idiot to notice that Lauren Jauregui hasn't been seen for a couple days.

 

 

 

////

 

 

 

You were right, it's only been four days since the crash. The band and some of your friends, one by one, come into your room and talk to you. Ally cried the hardest and it just makes you feel worse. God, you were so selfish about the entire thing. You can't believe you didn't think about everyone else and how they would react. Or the band, the fans, your family-

 

Oh God, your _family_. You can't even begin to think of how they're feeling right now. Or if they even know. It makes you feel sick, and if you were awake you'd probably throw up at the thought. But you can't really do anything but feel bad in your current state. Guess that's what you get for letting Camila take over your life.

 

 

////

 

 

 

"Hey Lo, uhm, I miss you. A lot. It's getting harder seeing you lay here, not seeing you smile that big smile of yours. The girls miss you too, it's been a little weird adjusting to not having their favorite Cuban out there. And it really hurts not having you here. Camila is still pretty lonely, but we know it was like that before you did, ya know, this"

 

Lucy's voice scares you and breaks your heart at the same time.

 

"I can't believe that this is actually happening. You're actually laying here, living off of machines"

 

You know she's crying by the crack in her voice.

 

"I know it's because of Camila. It makes me hate her even more for doing this to you. I kind of hate you for letting it happen and not reaching out to anyone but I know you like to be there for yourself. But, Jesus Lauren, I would've been there for you. I would've helped you out of this. And I know what we had was a long time ago and you're past it but I'm still lingering on it. And if you can actually hear me I just want you to know a part of me still loves you, and I wish you would've told someone about this so my heart wouldn't be breaking so much right now"

 

It's silent and you're not thinking, you can't.

 

"That sounds incredibly selfish, I know, but I just miss you so much. Not even in the relationship way but the friendship way. I miss your laugh, your smile, your liveliness. I miss everything, I just-"

 

She sniffles a little and you feel her fingertips trail over the skin on your arm.

 

"I miss you"

 

////

 

 

 

You stopped thinking and lingering on your thoughts a while ago. You got sick of it. Got sick of the guilt, the worry, the sad and empty feeling you have now. No one's been in your room but doctors since Lucy came, and lord did you wish you could've woken up and apologized to her. But it's getting harder to form simple thoughts - which probably isn't a good thing - and the bright light is getting dimmer as the days linger on.

 

 

 

////

 

 

 

"Did you hear about Camila and Austin?"

"Yeah, I can't believe it took Camila a month of Lauren being like this to end it"

"Do you think if she wakes up she'll forgive Mila?"

"She'd do anything for Mila, you know that"

"Well yeah, but this is different. She could die any second, she's still in there and she's probably been doing nothing but thinking"

 

Normani and Dinah have been here for a while, just talking among themselves. You knew someone was going to bring up this conversation, you just didn't expect it to be Dinah.

 

"Do you think Lucy has-", Dinah doesn't say anything, but you know what she's talking about. 

"Yeah, she didn't tell me exactly what she said but I know she's already said something"

"Would she go back to her?"

"Only God knows what Lauren will do when she wakes up"

 

You're glad Normani considers your faith in this situation.

 

"If she wakes up"

 

You're not glad people are starting to lose faith in you.

 

 

 

////

 

 

 

Your family showed up a couple days ago, and you've never heard Taylor cry harder before. And it just broke your heart even more. You can't believe how dumb you are. How you let Camila get to you like this, how you threw your life away for a brown-eyed girl from Miami.

 

They know it's because of her too, everything seems to be because of Camila now. It's unhealthy, you've been way too unhealthy for two years. Everything that you've done has been because of Camila and it's been that way since the X-Factor. You don't know how you got to this point, how you let her dig a tunnel right into your brain and rip out your heart to do this.

 

And it's sad, it really is. If you were awake you would've cried with them.

 

You find yourself saying if you were awake a lot more now.

 

 

 

////

 

 

 

"Hi Lauren, long time no see. I didn't think this would be how we reunite but, guess that's how the world works"

 

Veronica is here now, playing with the tips of your fingers. You can't imagine the lengths she went to get out of college to come see you.

 

"What have you done to yourself Lauren?"

 

You wish you knew the answer.

 

 

 

////

 

 

 

"Listen, Lauren, if you actually can hear us, and you're still in there I just wanna tell you what's been happening the past three months"

 

Surprisingly, it's Ally this time.

 

"So we finished the Reflection tour, it took a lot of fighting against you not being there and all the changes we had to make to adjust, but we made it happen. We're still adjusting to not having you, but we're getting there slowly. And we won the Radio Disney award for Breakout Artists, it was really emotional, a lot of people were there. Some fans even started chanting your name cause they miss you. I think they're convinced you're out on vocal break or something, but they're getting antsy to know how you're doing with recovery and if you'll be back. I don't know how much longer we can keep telling them you're on bed rest"

 

She pauses and you hear some shuffling and a sniffle.

 

"We all miss you, a lot. I think Lucy and Camila miss you the most. Dinah and Normani have come to terms that you might not come out of this, but Lucy is torn apart and Camila said she was thinking of leaving and moving back to Miami or something. She said everything around her reminds her too much of you, which she really doesn't have a right to say because this is kind of her fault. But I'm not taking sides on this one, you both were broken before all of this happened"

 

 

 

////

 

 

 

It's almost pitch black now, and you feel tired. It's been five months, the fans have found out, Camila hasn't gotten a single solo right in three weeks, Lucy stopped coming by a couple weeks ago because she couldn't handle it anymore, and you overhead Dinah talking about a funeral.

 

You're most likely losing brain signals or something, there's probably not a lot of activity going on in your head. And it scares you. Because they could unplug your machines and then you'd be gone. You don't want to leave, the past five months of silence has given you a lot of time to think. You regret everything, you regret ever being mad at Camila and letting go of Lucy. You know Lucy is a lost cause now, no matter how much she tells you that she still loves you, you couldn't bring yourself to love anyone but Camila. And you figure it's pointless to be mad at Camila for something she couldn't totally control.

 

If word had gotten out that you and her were together there would have been chaos in the media and in the record deal. Everything would be put on the line and you think it's stupid, but it's true. But you're still mad. You know that she didn't have to shove it in your face, to completely disregard everything you'd ever told her and commit to some stupid boy who you knew wouldn't treat her right.

 

Everything is just a mess and you're regretting so much that's happened in the past two years of your life.

 

But most of all, you regret letting yourself get like this. You dug a hole so deep you can't even believe it.

 

And no matter how unhealthy it is for you, you can't bring yourself to give up and be angry at Camila. 

 

 

 

////

 

 

 

"Uh, so, I know I haven't been by in a while and it's mostly because seeing you here still breaks my heart but I'm here. And I'm not here to tell you I miss you or anything. I'm here to apologize for everything I've done to you. I know it's not enough, it'll never be enough for you. I'll never be enough for you. I've never hated myself than I do right now, just seeing you here as lifeless as ever. I regret everything I've ever done. I regret pushing you away, leaving you, getting together with Austin. I can't believe I actually left you for him, he never made me feel as happy and at home like you did. I'm just, I'm so sorry Lauren"

 

She starts crying for a while, and you wish for nothing more than to open your fucking eyes and wipe away the tears from her cheeks.

 

"Please come back. I can't do this without you. You're the moon to my sun, I can't do it alone"

 

 

 

////

 

 

 

It's dark now. You can't form full thoughts. You can barely understand what people are saying around you. It's getting worse. You know it. And it's scary. So scary. You don't want to die. You don't want to stop fighting. You just want to wake the fuck up and be with Camila. Because you've forgiven her now. Even if everyone else thinks you shouldn't, you have, because your heart is telling you to and you've always been a heart over brain person.

 

You still don't understand why she did it. Or what made her think she should have. But she's admitted and apologized for her mistake and God would want you to forgive her. And you should listen to Him. He's gotten you through six long months of pain and emptiness. The least you could do for Him is wake up and live the rest of your life.

 

 

 

////

 

 

 

"Lauren, listen, I'm gonna give this to you straight forward. They want to cut off your life support. The doctors are losing faith in you waking up because of the amount of brain activity there isn't going on in your brain. They told the team and your family and we've all agreed that it'll be for the best if you don't wake up soon. And we won't upset, I mean yeah we'll all be sad but you've fought hard for six months and sometimes you have to let go. So, just know that if you can't fight anymore, it's okay for you to let go"

 

 

 

////

 

 

 

You don't know what to do. You don't know what to do or how to even get out of this. What could you even call it? A coma? A really long dream? God giving you a chance to push through? What are you supposed to do to wake up?

 

 

 

////

 

 

 

You figure you're supposed to pray, so you pray. You pray until you can't think of anything else to pray about. And nothing happens. It just keeps getting darker, you can't hear or feel anything any longer and you've never been so scared in your life.

 

You really don't want to die, you'd rather be in this endless pit of silence than die. You don't know how long they gave you to wake up but you keep praying and trying to fight like your life depends on it. Because it really does.

 

 

 

////

 

 

 

"Lauren Michelle Jauregui, what have you gotten yourself into?"

 

A voice you don't recognize wakes you up and you're faced with the bright white light again. You look around because apparently you can do that now, and turn until you're met with a large man. He's tall, like really tall, and he's wearing white robes.

 

"Are you God?" Is the only thing you ask, and it feels so weird because you haven't used your voice in so long. 

But the tall man just chuckles and shakes his head, "No, I'm just your guardian angel. He did send me down here to talk to you though. He wants to know why you stopped fighting" 

"I didn't, I haven't", you rush out, "I've been praying and trying to figure out what I'm supposed to do to wake up but nothing's working. I'm only dying faster and it's scaring me"

 

The angel furrows his brows, tilting his head down on you. You don't need to hear him say anything to know what's happening.

 

"Im not gonna make it am I?"

He presses his lips together tightly, "I don't know"

 

 

 

////

 

 

 

His name is Russ, he's been your guardian angel ever since you were born. He said that you might not make it, that it might all be over soon but he promised to do everything in his power to help you. And by helping you, well you don't know what that means. You're back to the bright light again though, and you can hear the doctors talking to each other. You learned you only have two days left before Russ came to talk to you, and they've extended your time ever since your brain started showing more activity.

 

But it still scares you, because it could all go away any second. God could give up on you and bring you to Him, but you doubt you'd go to heaven for trying to take your own life, even if it wasn't intentional.

 

 

 

////

 

 

 

"All He told me was that this is your fight to get through and He will forgive you if you can't fight anymore"

"I'm tired of fighting Russ, it's been seven months. I haven't heard any of my friends for a whole month, and they're so close to taking me off of life support. They've given up on me, so what's the point in fighting?"

 

Russ is quiet, running a hand over his chin. He's quiet for a while actually, you're scared he's just going to disappear with no advice but his eyes light up after a while.

 

"I'll be right back"

 

 

 

////

 

 

 

"Hey Lo, it's been a while. I don't really know why I'm here but something just kind of told me to come see you one last time before they unplug you. I won't be there, of course, since I'm not immediate family. But I'll be at your funeral. It'll be sad, but I think I'll manage to survive without you. I don't know about the fans though, or anyone else in the band. We've all kind of been in our own worlds, preparing for the next album and the new tour"

 

You feel forgotten about now, but that doesn't stop your heart from breaking as you listen to her stand up and stroke your hair back one last time.

 

"No, Camz, please", you scream out, trying to move your body.

 

You keep screaming until an even brighter light shines in your face and everything goes silent.

 

 

 

////

 

 

 

"I'm really gonna miss you Lolo. I'm so sorry", you stroke her hair one last time and turn away, grabbing your bag and walking toward the door.

 

You don't want to do this, it's the last thing you expected to be doing a couple months ago. You thought she'd wake up by now. Hell, you thought you'd be all cuddled up with Austin by now. But your dumb ass didn't see that you love Lauren more than anything and you ended it.

 

He wasn't happy, you weren't happy, you still aren't happy. Lauren isn't standing beside you as you grab hotel key cards, she isn't there smiling at you as you lift your arms at the end of a show, she's not here for 3 am talks on the roof, she's just not here and you miss her more than anything.

 

It's been seven months of no emerald green eyes, of no raspy high pitched giggles, no The 1975 blasting in the hotel bathrooms, and no one to kiss the fears off of your lips when you needed it.

 

So when you hear her voice echo through the back of your head you freeze and all of the blood in your body runs cold.

 

"Camz"

 

Of course.

 

Of course she'd start fighting right when you're about to walk out.

 

You deserve it though.

 

"Please don't go"

 

Her voice is a quiet rasp, your body doesn't agree with your mind and you rush towards her.

 

"Oh my god Lauren!"

 

You cry out through tears streaming down your face and she's really here. She's really staring up at you with those beautiful green eyes and her megawatt smile.

 

"I missed you", it comes out cracked and raspy and you hush her with your finger, running out into the hall and shouting out to anyone around.

 

 

 

////

 

 

 

You've been awake for 24 straight hours, seven months of sleeping has left you a lot of energy to do nothing but watch movies and lay in the hospital bed with Camila.

 

 

 

////

 

 

 

You talked, a lot, and eventually worked things out.

 

It took a lot of time but she eventually earns your love and trust back and stops apologizing, and you stop worrying you'll die every time you go to sleep.

 

It took even longer for you to get cleared to start singing and performing again, and once you were you got right into the studio and worked hard. After five months of therapy and recovering, you were back into your rhythm of singing and dancing for the fans.

 

 

 

////

 

 

 

It's been four years since the crash, and you still can't believe it all happened. You've won so many awards and come out with a lot of hit singles, and eventually told the fans what the hell was going on those seven months. You and Camila came out together too, you're getting married in the spring in a year.

 

You've had a long fight, a lot of emotions and almost giving up, but you made it.

 

You can't thank God and Russ enough for giving you a second chance to make things right. 

 

 

///

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I really was gonna make this ending super sad and depressing but I'm a sucker for happy endings so whatever. 
> 
>  
> 
> Anyway, thank you for reading! Let me know what you think, and leave some kudos if you liked it!
> 
>  
> 
> Hmu on social media:  
> instagram @ izzyalexandriab and tumblr @ becauseizzy


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